Will this pain ever ease - 2005

Written in 2005 as a member of a 'club' that no parent ever wants to join, and within which understanding through experience is shared in compassion. This is a response to a plea from a mother whose child had died, asking would the pain ever ease.... first published and circulated via tcf.org.uk

A heart felt response to a heart felt plea.
...

I am sorry you had to join our 'terrible club'. It is so hard to explain it to people outside of it, that it is both better and worse than they could ever imagine. It's a roller coaster ride over which we have no control, and sometimes the best we can manage is to put one foot in front of the other, and remember to breathe. but that's okay too.

I have lost two children now, my beautiful son at 28 days old, with whom I was blessed enough to know how precious every single second was, 23 years ago. Then in April 2003 my incredible gorgeous, loving and funny 15 year old daughter was taken suddenly when she was hit by a car on her way home.

You ask, will this pain ever ease? and I know that's a cry for acknowledgement of this pain that feels as if it will break us, or at least never leave us again.

I will tell you what I have found over the years from my experiences, although everyone grieves differently - for me the answer is both yes, and no, and some things help more than others.

Yes, there will come a time when it does not debilitate you - where it becomes a part of you like an old war wound that's always there, but you have learned to live with. Kind of like an emotional 'limp'.

And no, because some days, even years later, some things will trip you up and send you back to the basics of having to remember to breathe.

You can't prepare for these times they just happen and you wonder how you could have thought you were getting better. But these times become fewer and somehow we learn to let them be and know that we will survive them.

But, you will have happy times again, your heart will again beat without every beat being a painful reminder that you are still here.

You may find peace in being able to help others through this minefield, as no one else around them can.

You may find friends who truly understand because they've been there too.

You may find that your life as you knew it is over - but a new one will begin.

In a near death experience I had during the birth of my son I learned (as well as learning that he would return to them without me), that there is nothing beyond this world but the most beautiful love, compassion, acceptance and understanding.

I came back knowing that our life here is full of opportunities to learn and show those qualities while facing incredibly difficult (or even boring day to day) situations.

I learned our life becomes more full when we share these things with others - but we can choose and no choice is wrong - they only bring different experiences.

I could choose to spend the rest of my life angry and bitter, but it is far less painful if I fill my heart with love and compassion.

I can choose what the new life will hold - although the pain is a given because we loved so deeply - but everything else is by choice -

I can choose where or whether to direct my energies positively or negatively, (I choose, when I can, positive)

I can choose to feel cheated or blessed for being chosen to share my children's lives even though they were shorter than I had hoped, (I am blessed!)

I can choose to believe (and this is easier for me because I've been there) that my loved ones are safe and happy and loved and able to send signs or not, (I choose to accept the signs)

I can choose to accept that our lives still have purpose 

I can choose to acknowledge that the pain is a physical expression of our love. To me it would be far worse if it didn't hurt - for then there would have been no love.

'Had we never loved so kindly, had we never loved so blindly,
Never met, and never parted, we'd hae no been broken-hearted.'
from Ae Fond Kiss ( in English for you ; )


I wish you love in riding this roller coaster, and an offer of friendship to help you along your path. I can't take your pain away from you, but I can remind you to breathe when you need it.

Hugs Jenny
there is light at the end of the tunnel

(c)J Cooper 2005